I'll tell you what I don't want: an affair:
love, by appointment only, twice a week;
grimy, gratuitous life lived elsewhere
with others. When it's easier to speak
about than to you, when I think of you
more than I'm with you, more anxious than tender,
I feel less than a friend. There's work to do.
Artist, woman, I love you; craft and gender,
if we're antagonists, aren't in dispute.
Love starts with circumstance; it grows with care
to something self-sufficient, centered, root
from which the cultivators branch, the air
renewing them transpired rich from its pores.
Or so I hoped while I was celibate.
Marilyn Hacker, from Taking Notice
"two women together is a work
nothing in civilization has made simple"
Adrienne Rich, XXI Love Poems
On quiet days I miss you
On rainy mornings
And sunny spring afternoons
And days when the sky is just so blue
On quiet nights I miss you
At traffic lights
Coming home from work
And when I listen to that same old tune
On happy days I miss you
With wistful thoughts
My partner in laughter
You've left a heart that cannot laugh alone
On sad days I miss you
Those lost hours
Without a friendly smile
When I long to hear your voice once more
I have a confession. The season one finale of Glee made me cry.
Here, let me give you a moment to finish laughing at me.
Anyway, it wasn't the swelling of the music as Quinn gave birth, and then gave her baby away, or the ~emotions~ on the faces of the Glee kids as they sang 'To Sir With Love' after they (SPOILER ALERT) lost the regionals. It was the final song, 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow', that snuck up on me and shot a giant cannonball into my emoship and caused the waterworks to start.
Have you ever felt that you were living a parallel life? That you should be somewhere else, be with someone else. That what you're doing is a shadow, or a shadow of a dream. And everything is all wrong.
Ugh, I need to stop associating songs with girls.
I'm going to stop being vague now and go to bed. Tomorrow I will play WoW Cataclysm and forget about all this.
Years ago I traded a reality
For an endless dream to dream eternally
Thrice I'm cursed to keep a love so cowardly
As my cold reward
A fearful heart is a hard and barren land
No fruit will blossom on its wasted sands
But envy ripen and bitterly expand
Seeds of chances lost
What karmic curse is this to love a spectre
What she has long forgotten to remember
To live a life years apart and to never
Truly see her face
I heard her laughter in the wind today
Like the starlight in my eyes her image fades
Soon I will forget, we'll go our separate ways
On diverging paths
But in the heart of fools hope does not abate
That dares to dream on the dreaded loom of Fate
What threads have crossed may cross at later date
I will wait for you
My mind is so crowded today, I'm finding it very hard to concentrate on doing anything.
Every little thing today fills me with a smoldering inarticulate frustration. Slow traffic. Red lights. Dumb kids. (And worse than that, smartass kids who don't appreciate the effort you put in.) My mum trying to involve me in her plans for an investment property. My iPod playing annoyingly cheery music when I'm feeling anything but. Dying on a Level 74 elite. Losing the race to the titanium mine. Being bound by the rules of a scheduled life, a timetable.
I am desperately tired.
I'm surrounded by people who I interact with on the shallowest level. I'm sick of the daily how-are-you-yeah-I'm-good-and-yourself routine. Give me one person who will actually wait to hear my answer.
More than anything I'm frustrated by my inability to do anything to change how I feel. I've done the best I can. I'm all out of excuses, and trust me, I've been searching every day for a month. Give me a reason. Give me a finish line. Give me at least the illusion of a horizon to aim for.
I'd flick the off switch if only I could find it.
But this picspam of Riley and Codex has made me very happy for the moment: "One's into pullups and bondage. The other's into violins and passivity. Sweet." (I SO need to catch up on The Guild.)
Tomorrow's going to be hard too, but at least there'll be something at the end. I'm almost wishing for work to pick up some more because all this time is a curse at the moment.
So to elaborate on what happened. I was going through an intersection when a car that was turning failed to give way and I crashed into it. I was going through a yellow light at the time, but still, the car that's turning should give way to the car that's going straight ahead. My car is pretty seriously smashed up, and both headlights are gone. I think it might be a write off. Which sucks, cos I really like my car. *sigh* My neck hurts. And I'm really wound up from the confrontation/arguing that ensued, because the other woman denies that it's her fault. I don't think she has full insurance either, which is fail for her. It's too bad, because - and here's where I get to be totally shallow - she's really hot. And I'd dig her, if, you know, she hadn't fracked up my car and ruined my week. >.> But hey, you've gotta look at the bright side of things, right? I could have crashed into a butt ugly old man. Gotta keep it real.
It wasn't as scary this time. The first time was scary as hell, with the spinning and crossing over to the other side. This time it was just a moment of pure "oh fuck this shit, not again. >.<"
I called in to work to tell them I'm taking the first two periods off tomorrow to get my car towed. The guy in charge of timetables/staff absences was really grumpy and brusque. Blah. He's like that with everyone, but still. Not very pleasant.
I really don't know what to write at the moment, apart from that I'm rather unhappy with the world today. It's partly the miserable weather, partly the annoying english tutorial that always makes me angry. Partly the endings, and goodbyes, including the ones that you didn't see coming but have nevertheless snuck up on you, and it doesn't seem fair because you never agreed to it, but that's just the way it is. And no, it'll never be okay.
A shared experience is what I want. A routine that I can count on. A conversation that isn't at four thirty in the morning and so full of holes anyway that you realise that maybe the silence was better after all.
Other random news: This morning I dreamt of canoeing down a creek which got bigger and bigger until it was this massive waterfall. And then I got out of the canoe and hang-glided off the giant waterfall and landed perfectly on a beach. I wonder why I always dream of water and flying in the same dream.
1) You left me with a whole bunch of scars and memories that I no longer trust. Why won't you talk to me anymore?
2) I hate your boyfriend and I wish you would dump him.
3) By the way, I'm gay and I have a crush on you.
4) I'm sorry for being such a coward.
5) You make me feel insecure, because you're so damn funny and popular and charming.
6) Your presence on my LJ is unwanted.
7) I wish you wouldn't disappear like you do.
8) I haven't quite forgiven you for your carelessness.
9) The more you care, the less I do.
10) I was shaking with the effort to hold myself together the last time we talked. I miss you.
Nine Things about Myself:
1) I hate wearing bras.
2) I chew my hair when I'm bored, stressed or procrastinating.
3) I am mildly athazagoraphobic.
4) I could never date a smoker.
5) If I could fluently speak any 5 languages (other than English), they would be: Chinese, Spanish, Russian, French and Norwegian.
6) I find clothes sexier than nakedness.
7) I have four new scars.
8) More than anything, I hate feeling empty.
9) People who are closed-minded about food annoy me.
Eight Ways to Win My Heart:
1) Make me laugh.
2) Be there when I need you.
3) Be stronger, or more confident, or more together than me, so that I have someone to hold onto when I fall apart.
4) Teach me; help me grow; show me the world through your eyes.
5) Hold strong beliefs, but also be open-minded.
6) Have an unhealthy obsession with Xena, or one of my other fandom obsessions.
7) Play WoW with me.
8) Be utterly unattainable.
Seven Things That Cross My Mind a Lot:
1) I wonder what [current obsession] is doing.
2) I really should start doing something productive.
3) Damnit, I should be job searching.
4) Oh shit, I really need to start my [corrections/assignments/lesson planning]!
5) Hmm, I wonder if my Flist has any new updates...
6) Fuck, I need to find a job.
7) Ooo, shiney...
Six Things I Do Before I Fall Asleep:
1) Brush my teeth.
2) Check LJ one last time.
3) Write in my paper journal.
4) Switch off the light.
5) Snuggle with my pillow.
6) Pretend I'm in a different world.
Five People Who Mean a Lot:
Four Things I'm Wearing Right Now:
1) My red "Mormon Slut" t-shirt.
2) Baggy black punk pants.
Three Songs I Listen to a Lot:
1) Jewel - Foolish Games
2) Missy Higgins - The Sound of White
3) Natalie Merchant - My Skin
Two Things I Want to Do Before I Die:
1) Eat cloudberries on waffles during a picnic whilst watching the Aurora Borealis beside a Norwegian fjord.
2) Watch fireworks in Reykjavik on New Year's Eve in the arms of my girlfriend.
1) Confession is an unwanted creature.
At best, superfluous, and at worst,
The cruellest of venoms.
I hate Fridays. You'd think I'd like them, because of the weekend, but I don't. There's so many things I have to do, or should be doing. I still haven't heard back from any of the jobs I applied to, except for Norwood SC, who were at least nice enough to send me a "sorry but you didn't get the job" email. Meh. And I'm too unmotivated and exhausted and busy to apply for more at the moment. Which worries and stresses me out even more.
Today I have eaten: 1 mug of tea, 2 pity donuts and 1 Tim Tam. I didn't have time to eat breakfast because I got up at 6am to work on a presentation I had to give today. There's just too many fucking things to do.
Life is too stressful.
Can the yearning for something ever become so heavy, so powerful as to transcend the limited realities of this world, and make the wished for, longed for, ached for exist again? And what if it never really existed at all?
Do you make the gods true simply because you believe in them? Do stories become reality simply because you told them? And if you tell it a thousand times, does it make the story any more true? The neurons travelled the path of that narration so many times, that what was pure imagination has now become memory.
And if it did exist, but is no longer here, then where does it now reside? I imagine the vacuum of eternity, far too empty and far to cold. It is held in the physics of yearning, hung in space, and stretched across time. And in that universe, the wishing is hydrogen, the wanting, helium, and longing is the fusion that fuels the stars. The hard iron ache will never go away. Supernova breakdowns will pepper the vast expanses with platinum shrapnel. And in all the many worlds that arise, carbon memory leaves its mark; filling your mouth with ashes, blinding your eyes with diamond tears.
My Australian Indigenous Education tutorial got cancelled again this morning. It's fucking ridiculous. Two weeks into the course and we haven't even had a single tutorial or lecture or even an EMAIL from the subject coordinator/lecturer/tutor. Ridiculous. What a waste of time. A few of us went to the Education office to complain but they just gave us the email of someone else to complain to. Yay.
In other news, tomorrow I'm teaching my first two classes at my new school and I'm terrified. Argh, so stressed out. SO STRESSED OUT.
I will now end this post with a hundred sad smilies to express my disastisfaction with the world:
:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(
My last lecture today ran overtime and as I was leaving the lecture theatre (A1 of Old Engineering), I saw Rachel Nordlinger (my old lecturer for the very first linguistics subject I ever took) come in. Outside, I saw a whole bunch of fresh-faced undergraduates waiting to enter. They were probably "Intro to Linguistics" students. I was hit by a sudden wave of nostalgia, and I stared at them for a while, wishing I could join them.
I currently have about zero motivation for anything. Zero. I was an hour late to uni today because I just couldn't get out of bed. And once out of bed, I couldn't bring myself get ready in the usual speed I have to in order to catch my train...
In fact, I don't even have the motivation to end this post properly.