lishesquex: (iconomicon - choices)

I really like reading Ann's blog entries.  Every time I follow a piece of advice that she gives, good things happen. For example, last year I used her post about the The 80/20 Principle to work on my own weight loss, and it worked.  Then she posted about boldness, and I made it my personal goal to Be Bold in 2013.  So far that has been most excellent advice because I probably wouldn't have emailed McKinley so confidently back in December, and I probably wouldn't have continued to pursue her through her silences, ignoring all the doubts and nagging voices in my head. And now, here is a post about being vulnerable

Here, have a quote:

"At the moment I'm trying to decide how vulnerable to be. Can you tell? I know being vulnerable is helpful to people. I think it can make us bigger in the world - the more open we are the more there is of us out there. But vulnerability takes strength and for someone who is up and down its frightening some days to think that people may think you weird. "

I know that, personally, being vulnerable is something I really have to work on.  It goes against all my natural instincts, to put myself out there, to show people my true desires.  I am too good at hiding what I really want - so good that I often miss out on things because nobody knows that it's what I want.

So far, I think I have been pretty good at being vulnerable with McKinley in that I've been quite honest with how I feel - such as telling her that I like her, and asking if our first date was a date, and letting her know that I would wait for her to resolve her feelings for her ex.  All of those exercises in honesty had an element of risk - of being rejected, of showing myself to be a lovesick fool. 

Now, there are two new paths before me and I don't know which one to take. One path involves waiting patiently for her to resolve her feelings for her ex. And I know from personal experience that the only thing that erases fixes? soothes? that kind of love is time. But waiting patiently feels too much like a cop out. Obviously I should give her a bit of time, but what if it's too much?  Timing has ever been my greatest enemy. If I wait too long, she may find someone else.

The second path involves being bold and vulnerable and crazy. It involves calling her out of the blue and asking if she wants to hang out on a weeknight, the fact that I have work the next day be damned. It involves bringing her an avocado as a gift. It involves the risk of being rejected, of being too forward, of perhaps placing her in the awkward position of declining my various overtures.  The second path is what I want, but I am afraid.

And yet, just because the second path is the one I fear and want, and just because I wish to challenge myself to be more vulnerable, doesn't mean it's the right path. Throwing myself at her isn't going to do anything if she's just not ready. But all my life I've been good at waiting, and I don't want to risk letting this hope, this opportunity, this passion die the slow death that I am far too familiar with.

What should I do?



[Edit: Making this entry public as an exercise in vulnerability.]

McKinley

Dec. 29th, 2012 09:45 pm
lishesquex: (Default)

Oh man.

I'm in trouble.  My date with McKinley went super well. Amazingly well.  And I know I'm going to crush on her madly starting from, well, I think I was already kind of emotionally invested even from her first message, but now I'm in that stage where I get a stupid dreamy smile on my face when I remember something she said, and I'm thinking about her way too much for someone who's just had a first date.  This is my fatal flaw.  I know this.  I get over-invested in people. And ideas of people.  But I still can't stop it from happening.

But seriously guys.  This girl is awesome.  It was so easy to talk to her.  She was articulate and funny and we had heaps of random things in common.  Like at one point we were talking about something to do with philosophy and I said, rather flippantly, "you are who you pretend to be" (which is a Xena quote) and she was like OMG Kurt Vonnegut and I was like "oh, I got it from Xena" and then she sat back and laughed and said that was her favourite interaction in the whole date. And I was like "wait, you know Xena?" and it turns out she loved Xena and it used to be the thing that her mum used to bribe her to do homework.  And then she promptly wrote down the episode name and the season (Blind Faith, Season 2) in her notebook.  Because she loves notebooks.  Oh, and she writes fantasy short stories.  And knows what I'm talking about when I mention random games, and asks me things like "have you ever played Fallout 3?"  We have made informal plans to watch Xena together (she hasn't seen past Season 4) and I've also said that she needs to teach me how to solve a cryptic crossword because I have no idea how to even start those things.

There are a whole bunch of THINGS that are in the way however.  Like the fact that she's vegan, and I've said on my profile that I probably wouldn't date a vegetarian, and how I live at home still, and she's said in her questions somewhere that she wouldn't date someone who still lived with their parents. There are other things too, which I won't mention here but which are Fairly Significant as well - probably more so than the whole vegan/parents thing.  But I'm not going to let my brain ruin this too much before it even gets started.

I guess, over time, I've become okay with the idea of just dating someone for a while.  It doesn't have to be the whole U-Haul Get-Married-Have-Kids thing right away.  I would like to get to know her, and grow a little with her, and maybe come to care for her for a while before life interrupts.

But anyway, this post is getting too somber for something which is, essentially, a post about a really really amazing day.  I had a date with a beautiful, intelligent girl, and I know we both enjoyed it, we both like each other a lot (this has been confirmed, verbally), and we have plans to meet up again.  At the very least, I've made a friend.  And that's something to celebrate.

lishesquex: (OMG ONOZ)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I missed the internet live chat with Gro last night.  FML FML FML FML FML X 12093847918743592837495827435^FOREVER.

She totes talked with her fans for ages.  And people were asking all sorts of stupid questions.  And then someone asked where she'd like to go for a summer vacation and she said AUSTRALIA again and omg if I had been there I would have typed OMG GRO COME TO AUSTRALIA WILL YOU COME TO MELBOURNE AND MARRY ME?

...Maybe it's a good thing I missed the live chat after all.

/hangs head
lishesquex: (seal)
Work
I rewatched the original The Karate Kid today.  We showed it to the students for this year's Year 7/8 project on 'Conflict, Resilience and Resolution'.  The Year 7/8 project is this thing we do at the end of the year that's based on inquiry learning.  It basically goes for about a week, and kids pick a topic to research that fits the overall theme.  It's usually pretty interesting, and I quite enjoy it once the stress of report writing time is over.  Anyway, I loved the movie.  The last time I saw it, I was 9, and I'd forgotten most of it.  It's way better than the new one.  After the movie, I spent the rest of the day filing away this year's stuff.

WoW
ZOMG WHUT HOW CAN THERE BE NO MORE PORTALS IN DALARAN I DON'T UNDERSTAND OH GOD MY MACROS ARE ALL BROKEN I AM SO CONFUSED WHAT HAPPENED???  I haven't even seen Kalimdor yet.  Baby steps, Lish, baby steps.

Writing
Last night I stayed up way too late re-outlining the NaNo I started in 2007.  I'm quite excited that I'm actually writing again.  My quest is to write 3000 words before the end of November.  CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

Women
HB arrives at work around the same time every day.  Today I tried to time my arrival to match hers and succeeded.  Right after I parked, she pulled up and parked two spaces away.  Then we walked to the staffroom again together.  She gave me her latte because they made it wrong and it had normal milk in it instead of soy.  <3

(Disclaimer: Btw, I am not seriously interested in HB or anything.  It's just fun to mess around with the idea of it.)
lishesquex: (Gro hammerseng)
Guys, I am crushing so hard on Gro Hammerseng. It's ridiculous. I know I tend to rebound heavily on celebrities/fandoms whenever my real life relationships/crushes/obsessions fail, so it's probably just that.

The last couple of days I've been downloading past matches and watching them. Yesterday was the 2008 Olympics. Tomorrow will be the 2006 European Championship semi final. So obsessed. >.<

Anyway. Today, I watched this interview and the following dialogue occurred:

Interviewer: So is there like a country that you'd really like to visit that you haven't been to yet?
Gro: Any country, but I... really want go to Australia.
Interviewer: You haven't been? It's great.
Gro: No, I haven't been. And... I don't know why, but I've been... dreaming about this at night. Two or three times, the last weeks. So it's a sign.
Interviewer: It is a sign.
Gro: I have to go there.

IT'S A SIGN, GUYS.
lishesquex: (Default)

It's time again for my Sunday night emo post. 

I finished reading Dragons of the Hourglass Mage and two scenes got to me in particular.  The first was Flint's death, which I knew they would revisit and was somewhat prepared for, but I underestimated how damn sad it would still be and was surprised by how quickly I got teary.  The second was the last page, and the last words on that page.  I'm not gonna spoil it, but it kind of redeemed the book for me.  It definitely felt like a final goodbye to the series.  And you know how I get with goodbyes.

Next up for reading is The Silmarillion, which I know I won't get through before my trip because most nights I'm too tired to do any sort of intensive reading like that book requires.  Maybe I'll take it on the plane with me.  Maybe I'll read it by the fjords.  But no, I'll probably be too busy wooing Gro Hammerseng when I'm in Norway.

Speaking of Gro, I just watched two of the cutest videos.

<3 )



Heh, I'm not so emo anymore.

lishesquex: (iconomicon - pwnstar)
Haven't gotten to sleep yet. Haven't finished my essay either. Basically I've been procrastinating all night.

At one point I randomly decided to stalk Tania (hot Norwegian Linguistics lecturer/tutor) again... because stalking people is fun. Anyway, I managed to find her blog about her adventures in Iceland, which makes for fascinating reading. She talks about Iceland and Linguistics a lot, which are two of my favorite things. Anyway, I was thoroughly enjoying living vicariously through her blog... and then I got to this bit and rofled:

Had my lecture on Australian English on Monday morning and got a round of applause - yay! The students reminded me of La Trobe and Monash students, very lovely and definitely willing to ask and answer questions.

Hmmmmmm. No mention of her wonderful Melbourne uni students. Hahahaha.

...she probably hated us. /:)

OMG

Jun. 18th, 2008 12:56 am
lishesquex: (hed)
I had such a good dream this morning.  SUCH A GOOD DREAM.

Read about my epicly uber awesome dream of AWESOMENESS )

Tania

Apr. 22nd, 2008 11:34 pm
lishesquex: (xena - callisto fool)
Man. I've developed this totally weird belated crush on Tania. SO BELATED. I've written in here a few times about her, actually, over the years. Posts about how awesomely hot she is. So anyway. I found her a few months ago on Facebook, but was too chicken to add her. Then, a couple of days ago, I read The Blue Place by Nicola Griffith, which features a really hot Norwegian protagonist who's rather like Xena and the book reminded me of Tania, because there was something about Norwegians walking fast (which Tania once mentioned in a tutorial - I can't believe I still remember)... and yeah. Today I looked her up again on Facebook, and I've been trying to work up the courage to add her for the last two or three hours. I am such a n00b sometimes. Srsly.
lishesquex: (voyager - only slightly lost)
The last four days or so have been lost in a blur of holidayness. Mostly procrastinating and studying and gaming. Yesterday Lucia managed to drag me out of the house again and it was fun, like always. I got to meet her lovely girlfriend Akemi (no, not the one that Xena beheaded), and her dog Taxi. :)

This morning I had a really annoying dream about being at Melbourne Girls' College and giving a lesson to the year 8s. It's like dreaming about being at work, and then waking up and having to go to work. Terrible. I also dreamt of [livejournal.com profile] wickedkiwi and I trying to escape from vampires in a tunnel, but I don't remember much because the annoying teaching dream took over.

Today is the sixth anniversary of the day I started playing Discworld MUD. Ah, I miss that game. Anyway, every year on this day I log in once just out of nostalgia. This is me:



look me
Looking at yourself again?  What a narcissist!
You see Lishesque the Antisocial Annoyance.
She is a strapping young human lass.
She is in good shape.
She is standing.
She is surrounded by a soft yellow glow.
She has an elegantly trim waist.
Holding : the Wyrm Sword (left hand and right hand).
Wearing : a pair of steel sabatons, a pair of steel greaves, a pair of metal
 gauntlets, a durable pair of tight black velvet trousers with silk lining, a
 mail shirt, a mail hauberk, a Grflx scale, an iron breastplate, a hunter's
 pack, a Wyrm Sword scabbard, a metal helm, a pig-faced bascinet, a red badge,
 a knife belt and a blank club badge.
Carrying: a small Fluffby, a hunting knife, a long sword, a javelin, a bastard
 sword, a pair of kogake tabi, a pair of blue tinted sunglasses and a
 two-handed war sword.
Her purse is fit to burst!
> 
score
You have 1802 (1802) hit points, 324 (324) guild points, 85 (664) quest points
 and 457 (457) social points.
Your current experience is 725802 and you are level 161 in the Hublandish
 Barbarians; your overall rating is 13035.
You have died 11 times and can die 2 times before you are completely dead.
Your wimpy is set to 30%.
You are burdened (54%) and quite comfortable.
You are good, worshipping Gufnork, God of Fluff.
You are 36 days, 8 hours, 27 minutes and 29 seconds old and have logged in 716
 times.



Read more )
lishesquex: (Default)

Today I said goodbye to Amelie.  She goes back to Lyon on Wednesday, and I won't be seeing her again. We went to see Monty Python's Spamalot at Her Majesty's Theatre, and afterwards we walked back to Melbourne Central and bought crêpes with whipped cream, ice cream and strawberries.  Then we sat on the lawn in front of the State Library for ages, just talking.  She showed me some pictures that were on her camera.  We had to bend close to see them because of the sun, and her hair kept getting blown into my eyes.  

I got over my crush on her ages ago, but as you can probably tell, I get a little bit re-infatuated with her each time I see her because she's just so damn pretty, and her accent makes me melt like a magnum on a hot day.  :-)

This is Amelie:


And this is me:


Eventually I had to go, so we hugged and said K BAI FOREVER, though not quite in those words. 

She said that she wants to come back to Melbourne when she finishes her studies because she loves it so much here, so maybe I'll see her again one day.

Then we hugged again, and parted ways.  I turned back once, and saw her walking away in the afternoon sunshine. 

lishesquex: (Default)
ZOMG.

I just got back from seeing One Man Star Wars with Amelie. And damn! The show was funny, the girl was hot, the food was yummy... what a lovely night. *happy sigh*

But I should start at the beginning.

So, last night I was about to go to bed when Amelie messaged me on MSN out of the blue. She started telling me about One Man Star Wars which is showing as part of the Melbourne Comedy Festival (which, incidentally, [livejournal.com profile] froggimus_rex went to see tonight as well, although I didn't know that until I read about it in her LJ like five minutes ago, ha), and I said that yeah, I'd seen an ad for it in The Age and had considered going to see it, but alas it ends tomorrow. And that's when she said: "Would you like to come with me to see it tomorrow? :D" And I was like O.O ZOMG FUCK YEAH (although not quite in those words).

So then she booked our tickets online and we made plans to meet today. And so we met outside of the Forum Theatre and she turned up looking as hawt as ever. *sigh* And then we watched One Man Star Wars together and it was hilariously awesome. Sooo funny. It was fantastic. I'd had the foresight to buy a packet of M&Ms at Flinders St Station and I shared those with her. Our fingers brushed once. XD

After the show we walked to Federation Square and sat there for a while and talked about deep things such as what we want to do with our lives and our ambitions/dreams (She wants to save the world - I want to conquer it.) And then we walked to Nando's and shared a Fiesta (whole chicken + large side) there. She liked it. I ever so suavely got us both a bottle of cold water and poured her a glass. We talked some more, about all sorts of things. Then we started talking about Lord of the Rings and our favorite characters, and I came out (with a minimal of blushing, and some fork waving). We didn't really talk about it because we were still busy talking about Lord of the Rings.

We sat talking in Nando's for a very long time. At one point a weird guy came up to the shop window and tapped on it and started gesticulating at us. He stayed for a while making weird gestures at us. It was totally random and amusing.

Hmm. Not much else to say. Except - damn her for being so pretty. I get smitten way too easily when they're pretty. I hate it when they look into my eyes too. I fall so hard when they look into my eyes.  >.< Suffice to say, my crush on her is back with a vengeance. *sigh* But I'm sure it'll abate by tomorrow.

In other news, Baldur's Gate II seems to be working again. Hooray! I can satisfy my dorky RPG cravings again, finally. :D

ZOMG!!!11

Apr. 6th, 2007 11:16 pm
lishesquex: (Default)
OMG OMG.

Amelie just asked me out (sort of).

O.O

*brain explodes*
lishesquex: (Default)
Well, I just got home from karate and I am pleased to announce that I am "mostly over" Amélie. As in, seeing her smile doesn't make my heart skip a beat anymore and I no longer melt into a big gooey puddle every time she looks into my eyes (I only melt into a little puddle now... one not quite so gooey).

Straight girls fail.

I need a new crush to keep my life interesting. Any volunteers?

urgh

Mar. 14th, 2007 08:04 pm
lishesquex: (L Word - always raining)
Too exhausted to think about ridiculous crush on straight girl. This is as it should be.
lishesquex: (Xena - chakram red)
My Language and Culture tutor looks EXACTLY like House. It's kind of freaky. I'd love to take a picture of him and post it here to show people exactly how freakishly alike they look. Unfortunately he talks in a monotone that makes me want to zone out. I would have preferred having Celeste, the hot young female Spanish tutor. *le sigh*

I totally put my foot in my mouth today with Jennifer. We were coming out of the Syntax lecture and she was about to head off to Morphology and she said something like "I hope they have the air conditioning switched *mumblesomething* there." And me, thinking she'd said "on", because it was fairly warm today, asked "you're hot?" She didn't quite catch me and said "huh?", so I (dorkily) repeated, "...you're hot?", and she was like "uh..." , and by this time I was like "stupidstupidstupidstupid". And then I realised she'd said "switched off" rather than "switched on", and I was like "ooh, you're cold!" and then rambled about the weather for a bit. Heh. I'm such a dork.

Anyways.

WoW is offline for maintenance. *kicks at the dirt* I hate Tuesdays.

Random things happening:
- Dad has gone to China for two weeks.
- Rianna's learning the flute now.
- Stormy is puffy and cute looking as ever.
- Youth Allowance + Scholarship is awesome. Yay for free moneys.
- WoW is actually good for my wallet because now I don't wanna play the other games that I was going to buy, such as Civilization 4, Guitar Hero, Civcity: Rome etc.
- I watched Been There Done That today for like the sixth bazillion time and I still love it to death. Xena rocks. :-)

Any Xena fans on my flist should take a look at this very cute Xena music video: I Think She Likes Me

I'm bored, and I don't wanna do work...

lalala.

the end.

Want. WoW.

Aug. 8th, 2006 10:19 pm
lishesquex: (Xena - coffee now)
*whimper* My first time on WoW in over 24 hours and I only get 3 minutes before the server goes offline!

I got to Syntax early today and was sitting on the ground in the corridor outside doing some reading when Jennifer appeared, and so I got up and sauntered over to where she was standing on the opposite side, and ended up hitting my head on a fire extinguisher near her. That was so impressive.

I spent most of the afternoon doing Syntax homework. It's hard. :/

I want to play WoW. *whine*

OH! And I can't believe the people in my history/gender studies tutorial said Xena was femme! XENA IS SO NOT FEMME! What the hell? They obviously haven't seen anything of the show apart from stupid ads that focus solely on the size of her BREASTPLATE! GAH! *fumes*

Femme indeed.

...

I want WoW. Now.

[Edit: There's absolutely nothing wrong about being femme. I'm often attracted to femme girls. The point is, if they're going to use Xena as an example, they should at least DO THEIR RESEARCH instead of simply judging by appearances (their argument was that she had long hair, wore a "large metal bikini" and a skirt). *mutters darkly about ignorant heathens, smites them with a lightening bolt*]

[Edit 2: I'm well aware that "femme" is a socially constructed concept. The point is that Xena is not /their/ version of "femme".]
lishesquex: (Alias - dead sexy)
*grumble*

WoW is offline for maintenance.

*mutter* ... *drums fingers* ... *twitch*... *nervous tic develops*

I had my third lecture with Jennifer, and I'm pleased to report significant progress! Today I was outside the lecture theatre first cos I got there early, and a few minutes later she walked over from further down the corridor, and while she was walking, she smiled at me from afar! *beams* And then /she/ was the one to say hi first and then /she/ followed me to inside the lecture theatre AND, of her own volition, she sat next to me. *happy stalker hops*

Last lecture, one of our homework tasks was to analyse a bunch of sentences in Scots Gaelic and then Mbabaram (an Australian language). The Mbabaram task was really hard. Basically, we were given 13 different sentences in the language without translation of any kind and told to pick out the one which was wrong grammatically. It sucked because the language has no fixed word order... so words can appear in any random order in the sentence, as long as the case marker on each word is right. I stared at the sentences for like 20 minutes in utter confusion. Anyway, after much frustration and brain strainage, I figured it out. And I'm glad I did because some girls were talking today, before the lecture, about how hard it was and how they couldn't do it at all, and I agreed that it was hard (but didn't add that I couldn't do it). Jennifer didn't say anything, cos she's very quiet. She hardly ever talks, in fact, which makes seduction rather difficult. Anyway, after we sat down, she asked me if I'd gotten the answer for the Mbabaram task. And I was rather pleased, and proud to be able to say yes, I did, in fact. Hee! She had the answer too, it turns out. Yay for smart, sexy girls!

I am looking forward to my first tutorial with both Jennifer and Tania (hot tutor) tomorrow morning. Yayness!

*hophop*

And since WoW is offline for the night (hiss), I'm going to go get some much needed sleep. :-)

*wanders off*
lishesquex: (Default)
Today was my first day back at uni. All my classes are looking pretty good so far. I'll do a little recap of all my subjects, but first... I have some good news!

The Continuing Adventures of Stalking A Fellow Linguistics Student

This semester I have Syntax first thing on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. It's a damn good thing that there's a girl to stalk during those classes, or I'd be a lot less enthusiastic about them. Anyway, today I sauntered up to the lecture theatre a few minutes early and, to my great disappointment, found Jennifer standing in a small group with two other students. Granted, the two others were doing most of the talking, but I still didn't want to intrude - so after smiling a friendly "hey" her way (and receiving one in return), I shuffled off slightly to the side and tried to look nonchalant. Finally, one of the two chatterboxes went away to take a call on her mobile and the other followed her, leaving Jennifer all alone and defenceless against my devastating charms.

"Hey", I said, again. (I know! So suave!) And then, after a bit of silence, "Do you know what tutorial you're in?"

"Um... the Wednesday one, I think."

"12 to 1 pm?"

"Yeah."

*inner rejoicings abound* OMG! I'm in the same tutorial as her! WHAT ARE THE ODDS?! (well, 1 to 3, obviously, since there are four classes, but anyway) Hee! *hophophop*

We talked a bit more about the subjects she's doing, what I'm doing etc, while I happily basked in her cute British-ish accent. I've been quite accent starved lately, you know. Anyway, I found out she's also doing Morphology this semester and cursed my bad luck because I'd wanted to do that one, but it had clashed with another of my subjects. Oh well.

Eventually we had to go into the lecture theatre. She was ahead of me and it was totally cute how she kinda looked back hesitantly to see if I was following, like she was prepared to stop and wait for me if I got swept away by the masses of other students going into the lecture theatre. Heh. *buffs nails* So we took our seats and then proceeded to not talk and take notes furiously for the remainder of the hour. But that's fine with me 'cos I'm nerdy and conscientious like that. At the end of the lecture, I had to rush off to my next class so I said "see you on Thursday" (there are no linguistics tutorials in the first week. damnit.) and wandered off. Then I kicked myself for wandering off too quickly 'cos I'd not asked where she was headed off to next, thereby losing the opportunity of walking with her if she'd been going the same direction. I've obviously grown rusty in the delicate art of stalking seduction.

Oh, one other thing. During the lecture, a sheet was passed around for people to write their names and the language(s) they spoke on, and I filled it in first and passed it on to Jennifer. So she knows my full name now. So we're even. Mostly. *conscience is appeased*

more )

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