lishesquex: (Default)
There is no winter more cold than the icy displeasure of a Chinese mother. A single look, a razor edged disparagement, the jolting sound of a slammed cupboard door. It strikes fear into the heart of any obedient child. It's not fear of punishment, but the fear of love withdrawn. For one brought up to believe that parental love is contingent on success, failure is not an option. I abide under the iron ceiling of my mother's love.

Sometimes I think there are few curses greater than to be the eldest daughter of migrants. It is a childhood of filling in forms and typing up menus and helping at the restaurant. It is a lifetime of wanting to tell your mother something, but not having the words, until, eventually, silence becomes a habit.

And later, there is the helpless burning of injustice as you watch a younger sibling become rude and selfish and lazy, like a spoilt Western child. And your mother's excuse for her is that "she follows your example."
lishesquex: (Eurovision - Leto Svet)
Oh man, I just helped mum proofread/send an email replying to a catering order from a customer. She'd made a typo - instead of typing "Kind regards", she had written "Kink regards".
lishesquex: (xena - xena on argo)
I had a really long and vivid nightmare this morning in which my mother died.  It was awful and felt so real that I woke up almost crying.  In the dream, one of my biggest regrets was not coming out and telling her the truth before she died.  I felt bad about not showing her such a huge part of myself.  When I woke up, it made me seriously consider coming out.  I'm still thinking about it.

I'm actually really enjoying work at the moment.  The Year 7s are still angelic.  I never thought I'd enjoy teaching such young kids, but they're so cute and well behaved at the moment.  Also, I have some awesome kids in the class.  One girl wants to be an Air Force pilot when she grows up.  Another wrote down Jane Austen and Tamora Pierce as her favorite authors.  WIN.

On the other end of the scale, teaching VCE English Language is also a total buzz.  The Year 12 class is small, and the students are all motivated and interested.  It feels SO good to be able to teach instead of discipline or babysit, which is what a lot of last year felt like.  The long hours I'm spending on preparation still sucks monky balls, but the high I get after a lesson goes completely right almost makes up for it.

Fail

Dec. 31st, 2009 06:35 pm
lishesquex: (iconomicon - angelina in gia)

It's 36 degrees today, but it feels more like 46 in my room.  West-facing windows and afternoon sunshine fail, and hot!computer and hot!monitor heat generation fail.  Earlier, my computer overheated and shut itself down, so now I have the fan blowing at the computer and not at me.  So.  Hot.  Omg.

There have been a lot of summaries of the decade in the media - Top 10 books of the decade, the decade in film, best photos of the decade, etc.  The one I'm reading now, which is making me squee all over the place, despite the heat, is AfterEllen's article on a decade of gay and bi women: Visibility Matters: Women Who Came Out in the '00s

I've been angsting a bit, but looking at pictures of Angelina Jolie and Gro Hammerseng always puts me in a better mood.  If I ever need to recruit 40 women to man woman my magical Viking longship, Angelina and Gro would definitely be on the crew.  (Speaking of which, "My Magical Viking Longship" would be a great track no. 7 for our band, Pussyfail.)


Damnit.  Mum just came in, and was like "What's your New Year's resolution going to be?  You have a job now... how about finding a partner?"  Fuck.  This is the beginning.  I know it.  Asian parents, man.  It always goes Education --> Career --> Relationships.  Now that I've passed the first two, they're gonna be onto me about the last one.  Dad mentioned it the other day too.  *sigh*  The ironic thing is - one of New Year's resolution /is/ to find a partner.  Just not the kind they're thinking of.

Also, I'm pissed off now because mum's been yelling at me and passive-aggressively suggesting things ever since she got home today.  I can't seem to do anything right.  Gah.  :-(

lishesquex: (Default)
Ugh.  Mum's not even back for 10 minutes, and there's already yelling/nagging going on.  Goodbai peace and quiet.
lishesquex: (L word - always raining)

Guh.  I finished reading a book which tangledtaleJackie recommended me, Call Me By Your Name by André Aciman, and spent a good 30 minutes sobbing my eyes out while clutching a teddy bear.  I still haven't quite recovered.

Tomorrow mum comes home.  It's been nice being able to live independently for a while, free of the usual smothering over-mothering.  It'll also be nice to be well-fed again.  I haven't yet decided which is nicer.  Food > Freedom, or Freedom > Food?  Probably a question that perplexes domestic pets all over.

wickedkiwiIngrid introduced me to Joshua Randin's music today.  New favorite songs, I haz them.  They're full of the emo, though.

There were other things I wanted to post about, like how Obama killed Xena and What Angelina Jolie and Eliza Dushku's Lovechild Would Look Like.  But I'm too emo for that now.  Later, maybe.

/emo

lishesquex: (Default)

Heh.  Mum and I were having a full on, arm-flailing, feet-stomping screaming match after dinner today (about my Arts degree, still - I mean, seriously, when is she going to get over that??) and I had stormed off to my room and was about to slam the door, when I saw... yes, ANOTHER COCKROACH.   On the wall behind my door.  Right at eye level.  So instead of slamming my door, I screamed, and ran back to the kitchen and asked mum to kill it for me.  Lol.  *such a wuss*  And that effectively ended our argument. 

I guess roaches are good for something after all.  Too bad it had to die.

lishesquex: (WoW - fly away)
Gah, I'm so exhausted.  Yesterday we got unexpectedly invited to one of dad's new friends' housewarming party.  Let's call him Doctor Wu (and I just realised that almost sounds like Doctor Who lulz).  Anyway.  He bought this flashy new house in Camberwell and invited all his friends, including my dad, and I didn't have an excuse not to go because it's the holidays and me and my sister are supposed to be friends with his kids.  So we ended up spending like five or six hours at their house.  Then today, the relatives came back from their little trip to Queensland so dad threw a dinner party and invited all his friends including Dr. Wu and kids.  And whenever there are little kids over at my house, everyone seems to think I'm the baby sitting service or something.  So I just spent another five or six hours babysitting all my dad's friends' kids, and because I'm the eldest daughter I have to be a good hostess and my relatives keep telling me that and giving me unwanted suggestions on how to do things omg if dad invites anymore people over I am going to KILL SOMEONE.  *deep breaths*

Also, so what if I have a knife collection?  Don't come into my room and judge me!  It's none of your business!  AND DON'T TOUCH MY KNIVES.

...

Anyway.  Earlier today, I met up with tangledtaleJackie, my extremely tardy best friend.  I have decided that I hate sitting under the clock at Melbourne Central.  Most uncomfortable sitting spot ever.  I got through half of Murder of Angels while waiting for her (*glare*).  Mostly I found it depressing and disturbing and sometimes a little exasperating.  But the writing is very... unique. 

Jackie and I had lunch and she bought something from this kebab place which I've forgotten the name of, but the girl serving us was SO CUTE. I called her the Moroccan chick (even though she wasn't Moroccan). She looked just like a brunette Erin Kelly.  Srsly, guys.  JUST LIKE.  She even had piercings, which is totally Anabelle.  I was slightly smitten with her but Jackie dragged me away and wouldn't even let us sit near the kebab place.  Pfft.  No wonder I'm going straight if my best friends won't even let me stalk... stare at... look at hot girls.  /sigh  Anyway, I'll probably never see her again.  /emo

In WoW news, Christmas has arrived in Azeroth!  So many achievements to do, so little time.  I love Christmas on WoW.  Not as much as I love Halloween on WoW though.

And in more somber news, tomorrow morning I'm driving my mum to the hospital because she's getting surgery for her carpal tunnel syndrome.  So yeah... bedtime for me.

/sleep
lishesquex: (WoW - LJ WoW)

The Happy
[+] The relatives have gone to Queensland for a few days.  My sanity remains intact for now.  Hooray!
[+] My addiction for World of Warcraft has resurfaced so I am happily immersed in Azeroth once more.
[+] Valkyrja is almost level 77 and so very close to getting her flying mount back again.
[+] I went shopping with mum yesterday at Chadstone and she was in a good mood so we didn't fight at all (!).  We ate sushi from a sushi train and she bought me a t-shirt for Christmas.
[+] I applied for two more jobs: Canterbury Girls' (English) and Highvale SC (Humanities/Geography). 

The Sad
[-] Got a rejection from Highvale the very next day.  :(
[-] Relatives are coming back on Sunday.  *sigh*
[-] Am being dragged out to a fancy dinner at the Crown tonight with dad's friends.
[-] I finished reading all 116 issues of Birds of Prey and have no more.  :(  And then I found out that it's being cancelled after February's issue.  </3
[-] And why is there hardly any fic for comic-verse Black Canary/Oracle?  There's nothing more painful than finding a wonderful new obsession and having no way to indulge in it!

lishesquex: (buffy - faith this is life)
So, the relatives aren't too bad. The aunt that's here at the moment is my dad's eldest sister. I'd met her once or twice before in China. She doesn't speak English at all so I've had to stretch my Shanghainese to communicate. From what I've seen, my dad's siblings are fairly intelligent, rational, considerate people... and completely unlike him. I think he's the defective one. Srsly.

I went for a really long walk today after dinner. Walking always makes me emo, unfortunately, because it's boring and repetitive and the trail is too full of memories, and my mind is far to free to wander. So I came home in a bit of a funky mood. Playing WoW didn't help much. Actually, it helped a little until mum came in and made another comment about how I should do a course in Chinese over the summer. She does this every single holidays, and then we have a fight about it. I wouldn't get so defensive about it if it wasn't a part of the continual expression of disappointment over my career choices. I honestly thought she'd gotten over it. But no.

I'm up to Season 6, episode 24 of Voyager. What will I do when I run out? I suppose there's always TNG... or maybe Battlestar Galactica. But there's nothing like Voyager when it comes to comfort TV.

Read on )
lishesquex: (L word - always raining)
Gah, my mum is making me so stressed out. She asks me EVERY SINGLE DAY if any more jobs have come up. I haven't really been looking the last week or so because I just needed to take a break from it all, but everytime she asks I feel guilty and anxious and stressed. And just then she came into my room and freaked out about me not looking for a job and went on about how I could miss opportunities and I know she's right, but I really want to just forget about it all for a while.

So I'm reading Twilight. It's... amusing. I have no other words for it.

My WoW subscription ends in a couple of days so I'll have to end my hermitage briefly to go out and buy another gamecard. I've been a little apathetic about playing WoW recently, though. I've been in one of those moods where I just want to avoid everyone and everything.

Tomorrow, two of dads relatives are coming over from China and they're going to be staying at our house for three months. Three months. I'm going to go insane. *sigh*

:(

Nov. 1st, 2008 11:26 am
lishesquex: (xena - callisto falling apart)
I'm hungry.  I had a fight with mum over breakfast and I was about to start crying so I went to my room to hide.  Pretty pathetic.  It wasn't even a big fight.  I just... can't take it on top of everything else at the moment.  Damnit, I was all ready to do my washing and apply for more jobs and do all the billion things I need to do.  I got up at 9am to do all that (which never happens on a Saturday) but now I'm stuck in my room trying to pull myself together enough to face the day again.

Other random news:  This morning I dreamt of canoeing down a creek which got bigger and bigger until it was this massive waterfall.  And then I got out of the canoe and hang-glided off the giant waterfall and landed perfectly on a beach.  I wonder why I always dream of water and flying in the same dream.
lishesquex: (iconomicon - pwnstar)
So far this weekend, I have:

- Played on my Nintendo DS with Mum and Rianna
- Watched Elizabeth with Mum and Rianna
- Had an almost coming out moment with Mum
- Played WoW
- Played Singstar with Rianna
- Taken Rianna out for dinner at an Italian restaurant
- Slept a lot
- Played more WoW

Tomorrow I'm getting up at 5am for our first ever guild Kara run. So excited zomg.

Random quiz results )
lishesquex: (Eurovision - This is my life)
So I made it through today as well, yay! Barely, lol. I came home and collapsed in bed. But anyway, this week is practically over. Tomorrow the Year 10s are doing their exam on Twelfth Night. They've only had five weeks or so to study it, and it's all been taught by me, so it'll be interesting to see how their essays turn out... :D

During detention today, Mordreth said that I've really improved since the beginning of my teaching rounds, which is how I feel too. This intensive stuff really does help, even though it's a killer. I'm so glad that it's almost over though. Monday is the Queen's Birthday holiday (THANK GOD we're not a republic yet! I LOVE THE QUEEN) and Friday is Report Writing Day, so only three days of classes. *relief*

In other news, I've somehow managed to get my Mum playing Brain Age... she loves it. It's funny how worked up she gets when she gets something wrong. :) It's been good to have something that we do together, even if it's just 15 minutes a day. Fun times.

Anyway, how is everyone else? :)
lishesquex: (Default)
My mum said over dinner - randomly - that she was watching Brokeback Mountain. o.O Oh the mind, it boggles. The good news is that she didn't say anything negative, and she didn't seem disturbed by the subject matter. Regardless of how open-minded she may be to gayness though... it's always different when it's your own kid who's gay. So no coming out for the time being, still.

In other news, uni starts again tomorrow. The Easter holidays are never long enough. *sigh* I'm kind of looking forward to not having enough time for prolonged emoness. I'm not looking forward to having to get up before noon again, being constantly stressed and exhausted, and generally gaming/internet/chat deprived.

This week I caught up with some friends, old and new, which was really nice. I welcome to my LJ [livejournal.com profile] zatapoiki and [livejournal.com profile] shetan83. :)

I also started coding a Xena Text Adventure Game earlier in the week. I don't know when I'll finish it because the busy suddenly caught up with me and I don't know when it'll let go again. I suck at finishing things, too. Still... it's in the works.

Things I didn't have time to do this holidays:

- Get around to renewing my WoW account :( :( :(
- Watch any of the Star Trek I borrowed
- Reread TBSOL
- Talk to certain other friends
- Play my new games, Bully and Zoo Tycoon 2 (much)

Time. I don't haz it. *sigh*

Anyway, while answering some list mail today, I put together a little game...

The Xena Drinking Game! )
lishesquex: (xena splat)
Mum gave me a kiss when I came home from my placement today. She's been really supportive lately and just generally wonderful, bringing me snacks and pieces of fruit when I'm up late doing lesson plans, leaving food out for breakfast, letting me get away with not doing the dishes. I <3 my mum. :)

Currently I'm really, really exhausted. It feels like an aeon since I did anything unrelated to teaching.

Going to sleep now.

Urgh.
lishesquex: (iconomicon gia fence kiss)
Today is Erin's birthday. So Happy Birthday Erin! in the highly unlikely case that she'll come across this post.

I had a nightmare this morning. It was disturbing. I can't remember it except there was something about the devil's handprint. And lots of blood.

After taking Rianna to Saturday school, I went grocery shopping for mum. I bought potatoes. The phrase "Happiness is not a potato" ran through my mind while I was buying the potatoes and made me smile.

Another thing made me smile today: this article. After a lifetime of being politically disillusioned, it's SO good to be able to read newspaper articles about this government and this country that don't make me feel angry or depressed. There's hope in the air. It's a good feeling. :-)

Also, this bit: "There are many other great stories in Labor's new team of leading women: 37-year-old Tanya Plibersek, the Minister for Housing and the Status of Women, 40-year-old Nicola Roxon, the Minister for Health and Ageing, and 39-year-old Senator Penny Wong, the Minister for Climate Change and Water — the first Asian-born female MP and openly gay(!!!) — are just a few." Could you imagine an openly gay Asian MP in the old Howard government?? Ha.

In conclusion: YAY.

Oh. Mum just came in. Apparently I am crappy grocery shopper. I did not buy the right kind of cookies (even though she didn't specify NOT to get these ones), and she's gonna have to go return them (return cookies? Like wtf). And she made some quip about the potatoes too. *sigh*

Shitty day

Oct. 28th, 2007 04:57 pm
lishesquex: (L word - always raining)
Blah. I am hormonal today. Doesn't help that today has been totally shitty. I was woken up way too early by the sounds of gardening machinery and male voices and mobile phones. I eventually fell back asleep but then had to get up again to pick up my sister from Chinese school. In the car, I suddenly remembered a dream that I'd had that morning, and felt like crying. Then I came home, had lunch, tried to write and got stuck. I was tired so I tried to take a nap, but then mum came home and came into my room and said something about all the other young people having healthy, glowing skin and me needing to go out and exercise and I was like "what's wrong with my skin??" And then she went to my sister's room and scolded her for her messy room and said something about "not following your sister's bad example" and "don't be like her". At this point I gave up on trying to have a nap because I was too unhappy to be lying in my bed, not doing anything. So I got up and tried to write again, but then mum came in AGAIN and started going on about how the uni kids working at the cafe have time to study and work and go out etc, and how I need to do more stuff, and how two weeks ago when I vacuumed the corridor it wasn't clean enough and I was just like ZOMG WTF. Why does EVERYTHING that comes out of her mouth have to be negative? And has she FORGOTTEN that yesterday I weeded the garden, sorted the washing, ordered dinner, spent an hour driving to and fro from Box Hill to pick Rianna up from Saturday school, got the pizzas I ordered for dinner, and bought milk. And after I came home, while I was setting the table, she was saying something about me being lazy and useless, and all the while Rianna isn't doing anything, and the stupid n00b of a boarder is sitting on the couch watching TV and waiting for ME to finish setting up the table. I do everything she tells me to do - sometimes late, sometimes I forget and have to be reminded, sometimes it's not fucking perfect, but GAHHHHHHH IT'S NEVER ENOUGH. And usually I just go and play WoW or blast some loud angry music and get over it, but today I am hormonal and I just feel like crying, but I can't because the stupid guest is over, or mum will come in and yell at me again and I'm unable to cry if I think people are going to see me. So now there's this big ball of frustration and angst inside of me, and I don't know how to get rid of it.

*sigh*

A poem

Aug. 22nd, 2006 01:07 pm
lishesquex: (Default)
Morning coffee

It's a Tuesday morning.
My mother's in a bad mood.
The whole world diminishes
Into a single mug of coffee.
"Why are you sitting down for breakfast?"
She asks, "You'll be late again." And adds,
"How do you expect to get anywhere being so lazy?
Nobody will ever want you for anything."
Today, I am ungrateful,
Useless, selfish and slow-witted,
All while she fries me an egg.
I'd made my coffee to wake myself up
Now I stare at the mug, wishing I hadn't.
Later, I apply my make up thinking
What's the use of looking pretty when
I'll always feel ugly inside.
lishesquex: (Default)
Just a quick update before I head off to bed. My internet still isn't working 100%, and none of my chat programs will stay connected for longer than 5 minutes, but at least it's sort of working. Having no internet at all makes me feel stressed out and twitchy. But this is okay. I can deal with this. ... *twitch*

Today was Mother's Day, and tomorrow is my mum's birthday. I prepared a nice dinner with candles and flowers and music and stuff, and then we all watched a movie (it was Walk the Line - as a result I've developed a small temporary crush on Reese Witherspoon). That was nice. Tomorrow night we're going out to a restaurant, so I'll have to miss another session of Karate. Oh well.

I've recently gotten back into Final Fantasy X. I might even finish it one of these days.

Two of my assignments came back this week. My Xena paper got a lovely, satisfying H1. Ahhh. :-) The Russian Rev one received an H2A which is good enough for me, considering I wrote it on 2 days of almost no sleep while talking to [livejournal.com profile] like_phobia at the same time. I also completed two other assignments this week - one for Phonetics and one for Old English. Aaaand, I also finished writing a story that I started over 3 years ago. So, all in all, quite a productive week. *beams* Of course, then I spent the weekend playing video games and watching movies, so next week is gonna be full of catching up and stress.

Hmm. I should sleep now.

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