There was the initial surge of hurt from the feeling of rejection, though it wasn't really a shock to me. I've been wanting this outcome anyway, as I've increasingly grown frustrated with the structures within Ruyton. So the upset-feeling that lodged inside me and made it difficult to speak was surprising and confusing. But now I've worked through that and I'm fine. There was a lot of support from Jason and Tim, the other newbies this year (who are also leaving next year). They know how hard I've worked, and they know it's bullshit that the school will let me teach Year 12 Classics with no prior experience but not Year 12 English. The amount of rage I feel about this is considerable. I try not to think too deeply about it.
Anyway, mostly I'm just glad to know what's happening with my life now. I can finally start looking forward instead of being forced to dwell in the rather miserable present.
The thing about Ruyton I'll miss most are my students. I've developed a really good rapport with my form class in particular and it will be sad to leave them.
Spring has done wonders for my brain. I started feeling better around the time the cherry blossoms appeared. I'm still exhausted because it's the end of Term 3 but the exhaustion is no longer tinged with hopelessness. Today the sky is blue and vast and it reminds me of all the possibilities out there.
Next Monday I'm going to Thailand to meet up with Ruth and Nora. I booked the trip two days ago in a kind of 'fuck it' mood and I'm really glad I did. There will be loads of marking waiting for me upon my return, and the job hunt will have to begin in earnest after that. But I'm looking forward to leaving Melbourne/Ruyton/winter/real life behind for a while and connecting with the world again.