Being vulnerable

[lishesquex]

I really like reading Ann's blog entries.  Every time I follow a piece of advice that she gives, good things happen. For example, last year I used her post about the The 80/20 Principle to work on my own weight loss, and it worked.  Then she posted about boldness, and I made it my personal goal to Be Bold in 2013.  So far that has been most excellent advice because I probably wouldn't have emailed McKinley so confidently back in December, and I probably wouldn't have continued to pursue her through her silences, ignoring all the doubts and nagging voices in my head. And now, here is a post about being vulnerable. 

Here, have a quote:

"At the moment I'm trying to decide how vulnerable to be. Can you tell? I know being vulnerable is helpful to people. I think it can make us bigger in the world - the more open we are the more there is of us out there. But vulnerability takes strength and for someone who is up and down its frightening some days to think that people may think you weird. "

I know that, personally, being vulnerable is something I really have to work on.  It goes against all my natural instincts, to put myself out there, to show people my true desires.  I am too good at hiding what I really want - so good that I often miss out on things because nobody knows that it's what I want.

So far, I think I have been pretty good at being vulnerable with McKinley in that I've been quite honest with how I feel - such as telling her that I like her, and asking if our first date was a date, and letting her know that I would wait for her to resolve her feelings for her ex.  All of those exercises in honesty had an element of risk - of being rejected, of showing myself to be a lovesick fool. 

Now, there are two new paths before me and I don't know which one to take. One path involves waiting patiently for her to resolve her feelings for her ex. And I know from personal experience that the only thing that erases fixes? soothes? that kind of love is time. But waiting patiently feels too much like a cop out. Obviously I should give her a bit of time, but what if it's too much?  Timing has ever been my greatest enemy. If I wait too long, she may find someone else.

The second path involves being bold and vulnerable and crazy. It involves calling her out of the blue and asking if she wants to hang out on a weeknight, the fact that I have work the next day be damned. It involves bringing her an avocado as a gift. It involves the risk of being rejected, of being too forward, of perhaps placing her in the awkward position of declining my various overtures.  The second path is what I want, but I am afraid.

And yet, just because the second path is the one I fear and want, and just because I wish to challenge myself to be more vulnerable, doesn't mean it's the right path. Throwing myself at her isn't going to do anything if she's just not ready. But all my life I've been good at waiting, and I don't want to risk letting this hope, this opportunity, this passion die the slow death that I am far too familiar with.

What should I do?

[Edit: Making this entry public as an exercise in vulnerability.]

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

It's you who inspired me to be vulnerable enough to have a blog, Lilian Shen! Thank you. Go boldly.....then move on if you get rejected.
Ann

[delurker.livejournal.com]

I think you should go the second path. Put yourself out there, ask for what you want, and if she's on board she'll say yes and if she's not ready then you'll know and you can move on. Don't settle for less than you want. You're worth more than that.

I admire the way you're letting yourself be vulnerable.

[elven-wolf.livejournal.com]

I'm in a similar position. He needs time, and I know what I feel. So far I've been approaching on the middle ground, and I know that's kind of a cop-out, but I too am afraid of chasing him away.

But I think what I'm most worried about is letting my feelings become real. If they are too strong I may not be able to turn them off, and that scares me a little. So I have no words of wisdom, just to say I sympathise.

[jailbaitjello.livejournal.com]

Second, for sure.

I've been facilitating dialogues around diversity and communication, and a huge part of the reason why stuff like racism, classism, etc. doesn't get talked about is that people are afraid of being judged. People are afraid to be vulnerable with each other, and have deep, meaningful conversations. And that holds true not just for dialogues about race/class/sexuality/etc., but just about everything.

My life has changed for the better in being vulnerable. One of the lessons I learned years ago from dialogue (and from blogging and writing) is that "openness begets openness." Vulnerability begets vulnerability.

My life has been blessed because people have opened up to me (because for some reason they think I'm a great listener), but when I ask them why they think I'm a great listener, they say stuff that they think they can trust me. Here's a question: would you trust someone who hasn't made themselves vulnerable to you? My theory is that other people trust me because they see how open I am with my communication.

Openness begets openness. Vulnerability begets vulnerability. Trust begets trust. All of which lead to deeper, more meaningful relationships.