(no subject)

[lishesquex]

Tonight:

Cat-sitting for Meng at her place
Went on Lesbians Afoot group walk and had a nice pub lunch
Ordered itsu (Japanese takeaway) for dinner
Marathoning downloaded Xena on my laptop and being SUPER emotional about everything

Episodes I have cried whilst watching (so far):

-The Greater Good (when Xena "dies" and Gabrielle holds it together in front of everyone else and quietly kisses Xena goodbye but then in a later scene lets out her pain and rage against a tree)

- Callisto (when Xena and Callisto are racing on horseback at Wainamu lake and roll down the sanddunes and I remembered being there with Julia)

-Is There a Doctor in the House (when Gabrielle "dies" and Xena absolutely refuses to accept it and keeps fighting to resuscitate her and everyone else is like "she's dead, let it go bruh" but Xena keeps trying anyway because she will never give up on Gabrielle)

-Orphan of War (when Solan breaks his arm and Xena splints it for him and then holds him like she never got to do when he was a baby AND the final scene where Xena has to say goodbye to Solan a second time and she can't tell him the truth and the look on her face as she's walking away is PURE HEARTBREAK)

UGH I love this show so much. Why does it have to be all over?  I want it to be 1999 again.  I think I'm being extra emotional because of Leonard Nimoy dying yesterday. The first thing I thought about after I processed the initial shock is "what will I do when it's a Xena actor who dies?" and I can't even bear to think about it.  CANNOT.

Also I'm PMSing so that could be why I'm so freaking emotional. But I think it's also that I've finally come down from the Xena convention high and now there's this intense loneliness and barrenness.  Last week I was surrounded by people who just got this part of me. This crazy, obsessed, fangirly part of me that most people write off as a strange quirk or teenage obsession. But it's more than that and always have been more than that. The Xena fandom helped me grow up: to me, it's family, friendship, lovers, childhood hopes and futures dreams all rolled into one. And at Xena Con, I met people for whom it was the same. That kind of belonging is so rare for me and I don't know if I'll ever find it again.