Psapphirical

There was a fire drill at school today that was so badly organised that if there were a real fire, at least sixty people would have died (the ones in the the library who couldn't hear the announcement, who then rang up reception to ask if there was a fire drill and were told "no").  My class had the misfortune of responding too promptly to the fire drill and were one of the first to reach the assembly point (the middle of the oval).  We ended up freezing while we waited half an hour for the rest of the school to show up.  Then, towards the end, it started to rain.  Such failure.

My mind is so crowded today, I'm finding it very hard to concentrate on doing anything.  

Every little thing today fills me with a smoldering inarticulate frustration.  Slow traffic.  Red lights.  Dumb kids.  (And worse than that, smartass kids who don't appreciate the effort you put in.)  My mum trying to involve me in her plans for an investment property.  My iPod playing annoyingly cheery music when I'm feeling anything but.  Dying on a Level 74 elite.  Losing the race to the titanium mine.  Being bound by the rules of a scheduled life, a timetable.

I am desperately tired.

I'm surrounded by people who I interact with on the shallowest level.  I'm sick of the daily how-are-you-yeah-I'm-good-and-yourself routine.  Give me one person who will actually wait to hear my answer.

More than anything I'm frustrated by my inability to do anything to change how I feel.  I've done the best I can.  I'm all out of excuses, and trust me, I've been searching every day for a month.  Give me a reason.  Give me a finish line.  Give me at least the illusion of a horizon to aim for. 

I'd flick the off switch if only I could find it.

You know how you read in books or see on TV those people who obsessively clean when they're upset? I never thought I would be one of those people.

Today I cleaned, polished and waxed every single flat surface in the kitchen. And when that was done, I completely reorganized 2 drawers in my desk, threw out a bunch of stuff, dusted and cleaned all around the computer, and pulled out several handfuls of cat fur from inside my keyboard (it's amazing how much cat fur a keyboard can hold). The funny thing about cleaning is that once you start, you see dirt and grime everywhere and you have to keep going. My mouth has tasted like dust all day.

I woke up this morning more depressed than I've been in a long time. It might be the weather. I woke up to dull, grey skies and a quiet, lonely drizzle. It also probably has something to do with the fact that I can't drown my sorrows in World of Warcraft like I usually do. My H: drive is kind of stuffed, so every time I try to open WoW, everything freezes and I have to reboot. I spent most of last night and much of today backing things up, just in case this time happens to be the time that my computer doesn't recover. That's left me with entirely too much time to think.

To be honest, I've been having some pretty morbid thoughts lately. They just seem to flit into my head out of the blue, like "I could do this" or "I wonder what that would feel like". I wouldn't call them suicidal, because I know I'd never do it. Just morbid thoughts. All it takes is one stray thought, and the floodgates open, and all the rest of the day, you see it's shadow everywhere. Anyway, it's not like I haven't been here before either, so it's no big deal.

I've sat here pondering whether to delete the last paragraph because it'll probably freak some people out, or seem like a cry for help or something. It's not. I just need an outlet for all the things I'm feeling. I'd write it in my private journal, but I also need to feel like somebody is listening. Because sometimes it feels like nobody is. That's part of what's making me sad, too. Friends who used to be there, but aren't anymore. Not really.

There's a fly buzzing around in repetitive circles around my table lamp. It obsessively and noisily attacks the light bulb. Every now and then it tries to rest on it, but then, burnt, it immediately flies off in a circle again. It's been doing this for hours, and it will no doubt continue to do this for many more, until it shrivels up, all dried out and dusty under the light's hot glare. Eventually, it'll crawl off to die behind a curtain.

That's what my life feels like right now.

Anyway, I'm sick of my own melodrama, so I'm off to clean some more.